Holla at me! – The Guide to Making the First Move.

In my recent years as a student, social butterfly, and all around good looking teenager I have been the reluctant witness to countless pitiful attempts at heterosexual (and at times homosexual) romantic contact. It seems as if regardless of how much information is distributed on the internet, and how many monotonous relationship guides are written by self-proclaimed relationship geniuses, the larger percentage of teens as well as adults are and will continue to be unable to grasp these relatively remedial concepts of establishing romantic connections in the modern day.

To make the long story short the persistent inability of my peers to be able to perform the proverbial relationship follow through that I have observed has driven me to write a simple comprehensive guide for all to be able to make the first move.
In order to make this guide as comprehensive and user friendly I have amassed ten of the most commonly used methods to make the first move in order of effectiveness from least to greatest.

10. Knocking on the person’s door: This method usually isn’t serious but you never know. There is always one nut job out there that might choose to do this, but what you need to know is that this is a huge DON’T. Regardless of how many Dawson’s Creek episodes or American Pie movies you have seen this will never (never ever) be cute and the only acceptable response is probably a call to the police.

9. Regular mail, i.e. the Postal Service: I can honestly not remember the last time that I held an actual letter in my hand, but I do believe it was when my estranged Austrian aunt sent me a hilarious German birthday card for my 17th birthday. Either way, that personal anecdote should be a big enough clue for you to know that regular mail just doesn’t cut it anymore. Ever since the Unabomber used the postal service to wreak havoc on innocent people by mailing bombs indiscriminately, I believe that mail has gone out of favor, and I know what you’re thinking “goddamn terrorists ruin it for everybody!”, and I agree, but until I know that Osama Bin Laden is either dead or in custody I won’t handle another envelope and neither should you.

8. MySpace: MySpace was cool a couple of years ago but it isn’t anymore. In fact there are very few people today who find it socially acceptable to use MySpace. These people are: Anyone 14 and younger that can properly use a computer, people who are really into indie rock, and physically awkward (fat) girls who take pictures of themselves at extremely strange angles in a combination attempt to seem deep and artistic, as well as to hide unappealing physical attributes. MySpace in general receives a NO.

7. Land Line, i.e. Home Phone: If you are contemplating making the first move by calling someone on their home phone I have to ask you a question: Are you calling your grandmother and asking her for money? If not then you should completely rule out this form of communication until much later in the relationship.

6. Facebook: Facebook in every sense of life is a very dangerous thing and in my opinion it is why the current standard of personal integrity for politicians (and people in general, for that matter) will have to be lowered considerably in the near future. I like to think of a Facebook profile as technological car wreck – something that is very messy and is very difficult to control. Between confusing relationship statuses, odd comments on your wall, and last but certainly not least an organized collection of pictures cataloging every drunk, awkward, and embarrassing moment in your life means that Facebook as a means of making the first move is something you should definitely stay away from.

5. Twitter: In terms of a first move, Twitter can be a relatively difficult concept to master and it really depends on several key factors to be able to work. First off, both parties need to have Twitter otherwise it just doesn’t make any sense. The other factors are relatively minute but you have to consider that what you twitter about and the amount you twitter has to appeal to your interest but if you get a mutual follow you might have something to build off of.

4. Email: I guess you could say that instant messaging now is what email used to be in like 1999. Back then, it was shocking that you could send a person a message without the hassle of paying for stamps and envelopes. Emails were really groundbreaking when I was in kindergarten, but this is 2010 and the only time I send an email is two weeks after my English essay is due. Aside from the fact that it isn’t the most innovative form of communication it can still work, but one should try to avoid including a “funny” picture or an “interesting” link, and also make it your goal to switch to another form of communication as soon as possible.

3. Instant Messaging (MSN): I can swear that as time goes on the classic line “Can I have your number?” is being replaced by the ever more common “Do you have MSN?” as well as ”Do you have Facebook?” Instant messaging is much like texting and other first move methods in the sense that it is a product of the information age, with people becoming more comfortable with computers than they are with phones. MSN certainly isn’t a bad choice for your first move. Much like texting, instant messaging allows you to compose yourself and feel a little more comfortable with what you’re doing, just go easy on the smileys.

2. Text messaging: As technology develops so does our means of personal communication and texting has been a hit with the younger generation and is only continuing to increase in popularity as time passes. I must say that the first move by text is my personal favorite and go to because it allows you to be much more calculated than for example a phone call and there is never an “awkward silence”[see the guide to getting new friends] in a text. With the possibility of using smiley faces becoming as well as several other benefits that texting carries it is no surprise that texting is in the top two.

1. Cell Phone: Most people would agree that the cell phone call is currently the most effective method of making the first move. By calling your possible romantic interest on his/her cell phone you have exhibited that you are a mature and sophisticated member of society (with the assumption that your telephone etiquette has been mildly honed) that has some relationship savvy. Although the most effective means of establishing contact the cell phone call demands a certain amount of composure and even a little courage considering that it is also one of the methods that allows for disaster if certain details aren’t handled properly.

After you have read all of these tips you may be wondering what authority I have to be telling you how to handle your romantic life, and to be honest I have none. The only thing I can do is to offer my opinions based on my personal romantic adventures and mishaps as a ruggedly handsome teenager with a boyish charm.

Now that you know what to do get out there! Go to that club or that house party and get that girl or boy’s number or email address and let them know that they need to ‘Holla Back At You!’

/Alexander Steinlechner

Alexander coming down the Stairs of the Temple of Wisdom. Photo: Jesper Sjödahl

2 reaktioner på ”Holla at me! – The Guide to Making the First Move.

  1. Alex, didn’t you forgot about the tip of asking a radio station to play a song for the person you want to make your first move on???

  2. Last time i made a moove it was on the street, but it’s haphazardly random! Not as russian as the latest trend of sending text messages to unknown numbers though. What would you say about methods that are designed to create an as unexpected contact as possible, i.e. chat-roulette?

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