New British Weather Machine

A private research team funded by English billionaire Mike Ashley has invented a prototype weather-altering machine that can alter the weather states within 1250 kilometers of the machine. Ashley owns and is a grand supporter of the English football team Newcastle United, and experts are worried that Mike Ashley will be using his machine to give his team unfair advantages in the upcoming cups.

 The “Atarax 42”, as it is named by the lead scientist Dr. Chisholm-Downright, is currently established somewhere along the eastern British coast. The reason behind the project is uncertain, Ashley has spent millions of pounds on buying the football club Newcastle United as well as Rangers F.C. Some state that Ashley will use the Atarax 42 to get an unfair advantage in the upcoming football cups. Others state that it is merely a strategy to make more money off of nations and corporations in Western Europe who want to be able to ensure a certain weather at a certain point of time, but there is no credible source confirming either of these claims. Either way, these news sure are chilling. 

The control-room of the Atarax 42. PICTURE: WESTFIELD STATE UNIVERSITY

We were intrigued by the news of a weather machine, so we interviewed Dr. Chisholm via email in order to get further information about the machine. Here is what he replied to our email.

 “Hello! I’m Fredrik Sjöstrand from The Bladins Times, a school paper in southern Sweden. I’ve heard about your new device that can control the weather within a 1250 kilometer radius, and we’ve very intrigued! We have a few questions that we would like to ask you, if that is okay.”

“Hello Fredrik, before I say anything else I want to note that the Atarax 42 is not a device, it is an invention, a scientific leap in Meteorology! I have read through your questions and I will not be able to answer all of them due to technological secrets, but I will do my best to answer the questions that I am allowed to answer by our funder.”

“First off, I must ask how the Atarax 42 works. I found a picture of the control-room via the paper in Westfield State University, but it doesn’t explain much. How is it possible to control international weathers with a machine like this?”

“As I mentioned before, I am unable to specify the mechanics of the machine, as I lack the juridical rights to utter such information. I can give you a brief overview of how it controls the weather, which it does by utilizing a series of light beams invisible to the naked eye along with electromagnetic fields and static electricity outbursts. The picture you attached shows a part of the control-room. More specifically, it shows the Atarax Weather Emulator, or the motherboard, if you will. It controls all the components that are needed in order to alter the weather.”



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